Why? Because.

So, as some know, I used to blog when we were moving from Cloverdale to Hidden Valley Lake.  It was a way for me to feel connected to others.  As most stay at home moms know that a feeling of disconnect is so common in this "line of work."  I also used it because I wanted to help people make their lives easier.  I love helping people and I love connecting.  Keeping up with doing that got very difficult when we moved to the property in Hidden Valley Lake.

When we lived on the property lots of things started happening in our lives.  The stress of our poorly taken care of house, the stress of our children and the stress of Josh's commute was just too much for us.  Some people can make that commute for years but Josh was having issues with his job which made the hour and ten minutes there and back hard on him.  I have anxiety and depression so this whole cocktail of issues magnified those issues.  Anyways, I stopped blogging soon after we moved there.

I have decided to start blogging again for multiple reasons.  My anxiety/depression is my own worst enemy and I am hoping in using this therapeutically that it will start to get better.  I will also go to a doctor once our healthcare kicks in which is happening May 1st.  This is sort of an interim fix.

I also am doing this because of my weight.  As my anxiety/depression has gotten worse and worse my emotional eating has taken over and just as normally happens when you eat too much or eat things you shouldn't eat (i.e. cake frosting) I have started to gain weight.  I saw a picture of myself last night with my youngest while we were opening up presents for his birthday and I just started bawling.  I knew I was getting bigger, but this made it so real.  I am normally the picture taker...I very rarely am the one in the picture.  I like it that way...it's safe.  For some reason last night my husband was the picture taker and maybe that happened so that I could see where I have gotten to.  Either way this makes me so sad.  I feel like my self esteem and my self control are huge issues when it comes to my weight, then my anxiety just magnifies the whole issue and I just want to crawl into my blanket and stay there.

Up until we moved to this new house that is exactly what I would do.  I would take my oldest to school and then come home and just get in my blanket and sit there, watching my younger two play, and searching on the internet for something to fix me.  Something to buy, something to do, a new thing to believe in, anything to help me feel better.  I have been so busy since we have moved that up until last night I had been doing really well...taking care of business and feeling accomplished.  I am very worried that the slippery slope of my issues is making a grand reentrance in to my life for the millionth time, but I have to try to not let it.

So, why am I doing this again?  In the words of my kids favorite answer, because.  I just need an outlet for me...and if some people who feel the same way find this and take comfort in knowing they aren't alone, then all the better.  If no one every reads this, that is ok too, because this is for me.

My intentions are simple.  Blog once every day.  Report what I went through, the good, the bad and the fat.  Report what I ate and if I convinced myself to do any exercise.  Be grateful and just vent.

With Love, Tara

P.S. No I am not selling anything, I feel like my weight story is the beginning of one of those weight loss stories...where I start reading it and then I read the end "message me for details" and I feel like I got roped in.  Maybe it will be a weight loss story eventually..but I am definitely not selling anything nor will I be buying anything!  No offense to those who do sell things.

The Picture!