Today, we went to go look at Sleep Number beds at the mall (the absolute worst place in the world for someone with anxiety). I sleep HOT...so hot and our current bed is a knock off Tempurpedic which is the worst for hot sleepers FYI. I was doing really really well and so was Josh because we were there early, less people, and because we were there together. After waiting for half an hour for a salesman we finally got help. So trying to wrangle the kids for that half an hour in the Sleep Number store was so hard...but we had made it, now we had help. I had already informed him that we already knew our sleep numbers from shopping in the store in California and that we had an idea already of what bed that we wanted. Instead of just moving forward from there he made us repeat finding our number etc. Meanwhile, I was trying to keep the littlest from running into the mall. STRESSFUL! Finally, we got to the part where we wanted to talk prices and it came up that it was going to be more expensive than we thought and I told the sales man that we have a rule of thumb that if a purchase is anymore than $500 we walk away and talk before purchasing. He got us a quote and continued trying to push a sale (which I hate). I don't know about other people but I hate people who try and sell me things. I don't need that...if I want something I will search it out and get it. I don't need someone to explain to me financing, and sales, and blah blah blah...and don't EVER EVER EVER say to me, "What can I do to help you guys commit right now?" Finally, we were able to escape the high pressure situation and stopped by the Lego store quickly to appease the middle one.
We left the Lego store and started heading towards the car. We had to go to the second level to get out...the elevator was broken and so was the up escalator, so we had to climb the escalator like stairs. I was carrying Darren and I was literally two steps away from the top when the tip of my flip flop caught the next step and I started to fall frontwards. I just kept trying to figure out as I was falling what to do so Darren wouldn't get hurt, I was almost on the ground and he fell out of my arms and landed on his butt, I saw that his head was going backwards and from a laying down position I tried to catch his head basically opposite of me and I couldn't...He hit his head on the metal protective thing on the sides of the escalator...this was right in the food court area on a Saturday in the mall.
First thing that when through my head is Oh, God, I wasn't able to not get Darren hurt everyone thinks I am a horrible Mom. Second thought, everyone probably thinks this happened because I am fat. Then my anxiety kicked in....couldn't breathe...everyone staring...so many more HORRIBLE things could have happened...my brain envisioning them in detail...further propelling me into an anxiety attack. I just had to get out of there. Finally, got to the car and I just wanted to go home...curl up in my blanket AKA cocoon in the fetal position and stay there on the couch or in my bed because it is safe.
I knew waking up today that I was going to have to really fight to keep my brain in check. I woke up at 2:30 am and was HOT...couldn't get back to sleep...fell asleep but only for a short hour or so. Needless to say, sleep deprived. Sleep is so important for everyone, especially people who have mental illness'. Peoples issues can be magnified when sufficient sleep isn't achieved. So, I really need to figure out the sleep thing. I think that it would make a huge difference in my anxiety.
I also want to say that if I see someone fall the way I did in the mall, the person who I am, would try and go up to help that person. I wouldn't just stand there, gasp, and stare. Even without anxiety, that situation is upsetting and we have a responsibility as members of the human race to help everyone we can mentally, physically, financially, etc. Or just come over and say are you guys OK? Something, anything!
Today will probably be a horrible food day...or maybe it will go the exact opposite way and I won't eat...either way it's a rough day.
This is such a scattered post...but as I have said before this is meant as a type of release and therapy for me.
With Love, Tara
OH and Darren is fine. No concussion. No bump. He actually fell pretty gracefully which is hard for a big dude like him. He is good though.
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