Rough Night = Rough Day

Happy Wednesday...yay Wednesday!

So yesterday I was keeping track of my food and I was doing pretty good....I went for a bit of a walk yesterday morning and then I went to an AMAZING yoga class last night.

Before I left, there was some upheaval that I haven't had to deal with in a while, upheaval that I don't want to go into detail because it effects more people than just me.  The upheaval carried over to when I returned home, which totally ruined my yoga bliss, but it is what it is.  The main purpose behind me even mentioning this is because of what it has done to my day today.

So, needless to say that today has been rough.  I have pushed so hard to try and function.  I even ventured to Walmart this morning to get a tool kit so I could hang some stuff up.  I was going to try and go get some other stuff that we need for the house and what not, however, as soon as I got back in the truck after going to Walmart I just wanted to cocoon...my anxiety and especially my depression was not being my friend.  So, I decided to go home and do the rest of my shopping from the comfort of my blanket/cocoon which is so awesome to be able to do!  Amazon/Prime/Now are all the anxiety sufferers best friend.  So thanks to that, we have our water softener, whole house water filter, fridge filters, whole house humidifier, new floaty thing for Bryson for the pool and a small play structure for the backyard coming....damn Amazon rocks.

Today is one of those days where I am looking for something to fix the things that are wrong.  For years how I tried to fix what was wrong is to move, and I moved a lot.  Many people started calling me a gypsy...which I was confused why that was a bad thing...being a gypsy sounds awesome to me.  However, I know that isn't a possibility because I have kids and people in my family that need stability and even though it would make me happy it wouldn't really because everyone else would be unhappy.  So, mark my words, when I get old I will have a home base in Sedona and I will be a gypsy most of the time.

Woah, that was a tangent...ok back on track...so yes I am trying to fix things, by researching, by buying (which I caved to, but I stuck to items we needed... semi-success.)  The huge problem with the researching how to fix me, fix my situation, fix my family, fix my life in general is that it just creates more anxiety...which then digs deeper into the depression and into the "I just want to curl up and go to sleep" feeling.  Here is the reality of it all, that I have a hard time with, but I know to be true...the only thing I can fix/tweak/alter is my thought process.  Once my thought process is fixed things won't seem as bad and then the things that I can't fix/control/change will hopefully be easier to manage because I won't be fighting within myself.  So, I figure in time, once I get healthcare, or find something that can help me learn to think differently, that I will be much better off.

Just as a disclaimer, even though I go through all this my kids are always taken care of.  I am able to still take care of them, make them lunches, change the little ones diaper, play with them from the comfort of my cocoon.  The littlest loves to cuddle so that makes things nice.

I don't really have much to say on the way of eating and exercise today just because like I said it has taken a lot to just function.  Putting thought into everything else today is too much.  However, I did have a smoothy this morning for breakfast with the Vega French Vanilla powder, frozen berries and vanilla almond milk and it was delicious and filling!  So, I am pretty sure that is going to be an almost every day thing.  Thanks to my sister-in-law for mentioning it!

Partially Successful...Story of my Life...haha just kidding

Good Morning...

So, to preface me telling the world what I ate yesterday let me start with this...I have been gung ho Vegan like 2 times in my life....I WANT to be vegan...I know the affects of the SAD and more importantly I care so much about the animals that the SAD effects...but I am a weak person...I have such poor self control.  I love my husband to the moon and back but we enable each others horrible eating...everything from the animal products to the junk food.  So, to those of you who knew we were eating vegan...we aren't now. *sad face*

So the good...I drank more water than was "required"...I finally found the secret to drinking water for me...ice is a must and drinking from a straw.  I don't know what it is about the straw but I am able to drink more water this way...so my new cup worked well!  I drank a total of 120 fl oz yesterday in water.  Water is all I drank until dinner and then I tripped literally NOT physically.

Eating...
Breakfast:
Honey Bunches of Oats and Almond Milk

Snack:
2 Clementines
Dill spear pickle
Granny Smith Apple (which I just read is good for weight loss)

Lunch:
Chopped Salad
Chicken Salad Sandwich
Jalapeno string cheese

Afternoon Snack:
Sunflower Seeds
Dill spear pickle

And then it really went downhill...

Dinner:
3 Pieces of Pizza
3 Garlic Knots
1 can of Coca Cola

Evil Late Night Snack:
Homestyle Popcorn
Grapes

I look back on that and I just am slightly embarrassed....very few items are good items and my dinner...can you tell I was a little upset at that point in the day.  For one I was going to make dinner and then life started to get a little difficult and I just caved to my emotional eating...so dumb.  But, today is a new day!

I also weighed last night and about had a heart attack...I am heavy and I know that but when I stepped on the scale I about had a heart attack. I chose the worst time of day to weigh and I should have known that but it shocked me.  262.6....O....M.....G.  My highest weight was after I had my oldest I weighed about 280...I don't EVER want to be there again.  This scares me and I guess kind of motivates me.  I weighed this morning nakeey and it was 254.6...still so high.  My goal is 170...I haven't been that weight since...I don't even know.  Senior year in high school I was 200...I didn't look like I weighed that but I did.  So I have 84.6 lbs to lose...ugh...thats a lot.

Another positive of yesterday....I met both my goals...I went for a 2.17 mile walk and I did like 3 loads of laundry! Yay! I took a total of 11,794 steps.  Pretty proud of myself.

Today I plan on going for another walk...maybe not as long being that it is starting to get hot...and clean the toilets which in a house full of boys is a horrid task.  Another goal is to actually make dinner and not excuse out on it.

I am also going to yoga tonight at 7 and I cannot wait!  Nervous and afraid of being judged but excited.

That is really all I have to say today!
Have a great day....and as my favorite saying says, "Today will be the best day ever."

With Love, Tara

Overreacting....Man I am so good at it! Please no depression today!

Happy Monday all!

This weekend was a interesting weekend.  My ex-husband surprised our son on Friday by visiting from California and he stayed at our house.  Which was totally fine and we don't mind (neither Josh nor I).   It worked well, everyone got along and Austin had a good time which is great.  It disrupted our normal expectations a bit which caused small rifts in our life, but that will happen anytime you add someone to a house, even for a short bit of time.  The rifts were temporary and hopefully things will fall back into place today.

So, I missed blogging yesterday, which is totally fine and I refuse to beat myself up about it.  As far as eating goes this weekend.  It was horrid.  Way too much soda especially and my night time eating, ugh, it is just the worst thing.  I have quit drinking soda so many times just to go back to it, the Original Coca-Cola is my worst enemy.  I know it is horrible for you, I know the sugar content is out of this world and I know that I might as well be drinking battery acid.  Taste, comfort and memory are the three sirens of my food life.  I think that the taste siren can be reprogrammed to like other tastes.  I think this will take time and a huge amount of self-control.  I think eating for comfort and from memory just needs to be forgot about which again will take HUGE amounts of self-control.  I need to replace the habits with new ones.  I am actually going to start writing down exactly what I eat today.  I think this is necessary and will help with putting the comfort food and memory food in my mouth.  So, we will see if I can stick to that.

Exercise wise, I am going to walk today.  I live in a neighborhood now so it should be relatively easy to do this, its just about getting my butt out the door.  I have also already scheduled to attend a yoga class tomorrow night.  I miss yoga very much.  I have been having anxiety about judgment and my inabilities.  So, tomorrow night I am going to try to push through that.  I know I can do this, I have done it before.  Not so much since we have moved, but I can do it.

Now, overreacting, this is a result of my anxiety.  This would accurately describe my last blog post.  This would also describe how I reacted yesterday when we couldn't find Darren and he was in the garage.  When my anxiety is out of control, overreacting is just a natural occurrence.  This effects EVERYONE, the kids, people I don't even know, but especially my husband who deals with his own demons.  I feel like if I can get my anxiety under control that I can eliminate or at least reduce how I overreact.  I also feel like how I tend to overreact may be partially a learned habit.  I have learned to tone it down a bit over the years, but not the overreacting due to my anxiety.  It's time to redirect that energy.  Hopefully, through exercise and yoga that can be accomplished.

So, typically Monday mornings are worst for my depression.  There is just something about my husband going to work and my oldest going to school and heading back into the hum drum of life that really hits me.  It is mainly me "crazy thinking" about everything that I need/want to accomplish.  This list grows fast which helps my anxiety grow fast which helps my depression kick in.  This is the time most often that I grab my favorite blankey and just sit on the couch watching my children play and looking for the fix all in the land of the Internet.  Now, how I plan on counteracting that....going for a walk this morning and accomplishing one load of laundry.  If I can complete that I have told myself that I have succeeded and that even if I don't get anything else done, I am doing great.  I am hoping with a bit of positive thinking and obtainable goals that I can avoid this dark hole known as Monday morning.

So far I have my new cup filled with water and I plan on only putting water and chamomile tea in my body today.

I hope anyone who plans on taking time out of their day to read my crazy ramblings has an amazing day!

With love,  Tara

Sleep...So so important...and so so scarce!

Ahhh the weekend.  I love the weekend because I get to spend it with my best friend who just happens to be my husband.  We do things on the weekends that I/we would have a hard time doing by ourselves during the week.

Today, we went to go look at Sleep Number beds at the mall (the absolute worst place in the world for someone with anxiety).  I sleep HOT...so hot and our current bed is a knock off Tempurpedic which is the worst for hot sleepers FYI. I was doing really really well and so was Josh because we were there early, less people, and because we were there together.  After waiting for half an hour for a salesman we finally got help.  So trying to wrangle the kids for that half an hour in the Sleep Number store was so hard...but we had made it, now we had help.  I had already informed him that we already knew our sleep numbers from shopping in the store in California and that we had an idea already of what bed that we wanted.  Instead of just moving forward from there he made us repeat finding our number etc.  Meanwhile, I was trying to keep the littlest from running into the mall.  STRESSFUL!  Finally, we got to the part where we wanted to talk prices and it came up that it was going to be more expensive than we thought and I told the sales man that we have a rule of thumb that if a purchase is anymore than $500 we walk away and talk before purchasing.  He got us a quote and continued trying to push a sale (which I hate).  I don't know about other people but I hate people who try and sell me things.  I don't need that...if I want something I will search it out and get it.  I don't need someone to explain to me financing, and sales, and blah blah blah...and don't EVER EVER EVER say to me, "What can I do to help you guys commit right now?" Finally, we were able to escape the high pressure situation and stopped by the Lego store quickly to appease the middle one.

We left the Lego store and started heading towards the car.  We had to go to the second level to get out...the elevator was broken and so was the up escalator, so we had to climb the escalator like stairs. I was carrying Darren and I was literally two steps away from the top when the tip of my flip flop caught the next step and I started to fall frontwards.  I just kept trying to figure out as I was falling what to do so Darren wouldn't get hurt, I was almost on the ground and he fell out of my arms and landed on his butt, I saw that his head was going backwards and from a laying down position I tried to catch his head basically opposite of me and I couldn't...He hit his head on the metal protective thing on the sides of the escalator...this was right in the food court area on a Saturday in the mall.

First thing that when through my head is Oh, God, I wasn't able to not get Darren hurt everyone thinks I am a horrible Mom.  Second thought,  everyone probably thinks this happened because I am fat.  Then my anxiety kicked in....couldn't breathe...everyone staring...so many more HORRIBLE things could have happened...my brain envisioning them in detail...further propelling me into an anxiety attack.  I just had to get out of there.  Finally, got to the car and I just wanted to go home...curl up in my blanket AKA cocoon in the fetal position and stay there on the couch or in my bed because it is safe.

I knew waking up today that I was going to have to really fight to keep my brain in check.  I woke up at 2:30 am and was HOT...couldn't get back to sleep...fell asleep but only for a short hour or so.  Needless to say, sleep deprived.  Sleep is so important for everyone, especially people who have mental illness'.  Peoples issues can be magnified when sufficient sleep isn't achieved.  So, I really need to figure out the sleep thing.  I think that it would make a huge difference in my anxiety.

I also want to say that if I see someone fall the way I did in the mall, the person who I am, would try and go up to help that person.  I wouldn't just stand there, gasp, and stare.  Even without anxiety, that situation is upsetting and we have a responsibility as members of the human race to help everyone we can mentally, physically, financially, etc.  Or just come over and say are you guys OK?  Something, anything!

Today will probably be a horrible food day...or maybe it will go the exact opposite way and I won't eat...either way it's a rough day.

This is such a scattered post...but as I have said before this is meant as a type of release and therapy for me.

With Love,  Tara

OH and Darren is fine.  No concussion.  No bump.  He actually fell pretty gracefully which is hard for a big dude like him. He is good though.

Procrastination....is that a personality quality?

Helloooooo Friday!

Ok, so yesterday as far as eating goes was a complete disaster.  Cupcakes....too much lunch...the only part that I felt successful at was late night snacking.  I know you aren't supposed to do that but we do...all the time.  Normally my go to is the Homestyle popcorn...and whatever candy I can get my hands on.  Instead of going full crazy I had sunflower seeds and cuties while someone else who I love with all my heart, but I won't name names, went full bore on the cupcakes.

I really suck at eating breakfast...I loathe breakfast.  I try to eat it.  I eat like a cup of cereal and a piece of fruit but that is all I can stomach.  I loved when I used to make smoothies in the morning but they are soooo much work.  So I would buy the stuff...make one or two smoothies and then I wouldn't make them for a while and some of the stuff would go bad and I would just feel wasteful.

So hopefully eating is a little more successful today.

I didn't exercise...but I got my legs and armpits waxed...which makes me tighten up all my muscles when she rips that hair out...so I would consider that quasi exercise.   But in all reality, my biggest issue with doing any kind of exercise is myself and procrastination.  Anxiety is a really good feeder of procrastination...all the CRAZY reasons I can come up for not exercising would impress even the most seasoned fiction writers.  I always think that when such and such happens I will have more time to walk/run, do yoga, join a gym, etc. Guess what?  That thing that I am waiting for happens and I come up with another excuse which I come to after a full blown anxiety brainstorm.  I am not quite sure how to over come this.

Procrastination effects so many other areas of my life.  I have read every single web page result that comes up when you enter procrastination on Google.  The one thing I keep trying to do is to just accomplish ONE thing because in normal life that would get you on a roll.  Well when I am in an OK place it works for the most part, however, when I am struggling with my anxiety and depression it is literally like trying to remove some sweet 1990's wallpaper.  I start to peel it back and it rips off just a small part...so frustrating...so I go back and I try to do it again...this time I have a bigger piece but it still tears off and continues to be frustrating.  It also feels like I am literally dragging my body from one spot in the house to another.  It seems ridiculous I know, but it is a real and true part of my life.  I hope with time and with maybe some counseling that I can figure out how to not have these moments so often.

Yesterday, overall was a pretty OK day.  I got some new furniture delivered.  It is nice to have furniture to take up the walls...it kind of creates a homey feel...and with my gypsy ways...to feel at home is what I need!

With Love,  Tara

Here are some of my new items.

Why? Because.

So, as some know, I used to blog when we were moving from Cloverdale to Hidden Valley Lake.  It was a way for me to feel connected to others.  As most stay at home moms know that a feeling of disconnect is so common in this "line of work."  I also used it because I wanted to help people make their lives easier.  I love helping people and I love connecting.  Keeping up with doing that got very difficult when we moved to the property in Hidden Valley Lake.

When we lived on the property lots of things started happening in our lives.  The stress of our poorly taken care of house, the stress of our children and the stress of Josh's commute was just too much for us.  Some people can make that commute for years but Josh was having issues with his job which made the hour and ten minutes there and back hard on him.  I have anxiety and depression so this whole cocktail of issues magnified those issues.  Anyways, I stopped blogging soon after we moved there.

I have decided to start blogging again for multiple reasons.  My anxiety/depression is my own worst enemy and I am hoping in using this therapeutically that it will start to get better.  I will also go to a doctor once our healthcare kicks in which is happening May 1st.  This is sort of an interim fix.

I also am doing this because of my weight.  As my anxiety/depression has gotten worse and worse my emotional eating has taken over and just as normally happens when you eat too much or eat things you shouldn't eat (i.e. cake frosting) I have started to gain weight.  I saw a picture of myself last night with my youngest while we were opening up presents for his birthday and I just started bawling.  I knew I was getting bigger, but this made it so real.  I am normally the picture taker...I very rarely am the one in the picture.  I like it that way...it's safe.  For some reason last night my husband was the picture taker and maybe that happened so that I could see where I have gotten to.  Either way this makes me so sad.  I feel like my self esteem and my self control are huge issues when it comes to my weight, then my anxiety just magnifies the whole issue and I just want to crawl into my blanket and stay there.

Up until we moved to this new house that is exactly what I would do.  I would take my oldest to school and then come home and just get in my blanket and sit there, watching my younger two play, and searching on the internet for something to fix me.  Something to buy, something to do, a new thing to believe in, anything to help me feel better.  I have been so busy since we have moved that up until last night I had been doing really well...taking care of business and feeling accomplished.  I am very worried that the slippery slope of my issues is making a grand reentrance in to my life for the millionth time, but I have to try to not let it.

So, why am I doing this again?  In the words of my kids favorite answer, because.  I just need an outlet for me...and if some people who feel the same way find this and take comfort in knowing they aren't alone, then all the better.  If no one every reads this, that is ok too, because this is for me.

My intentions are simple.  Blog once every day.  Report what I went through, the good, the bad and the fat.  Report what I ate and if I convinced myself to do any exercise.  Be grateful and just vent.

With Love, Tara

P.S. No I am not selling anything, I feel like my weight story is the beginning of one of those weight loss stories...where I start reading it and then I read the end "message me for details" and I feel like I got roped in.  Maybe it will be a weight loss story eventually..but I am definitely not selling anything nor will I be buying anything!  No offense to those who do sell things.

The Picture!